IT IS SO COMPLICATED!

Today is my final word on "Singleness".  Who knew I could spend half a month
expounding upon my current social status.  It only seems right and fitting that I talk about my thoughts on future relationships to end this series.  How many times have I been told there will be someone else--God  is going to provide--you will love again.  With good intentions, my sweet friends seem to think this will be the answer to what has occurred.  It is NOT as simple as that!

Following the loss of my father when I was 14, my mother was alone for ten years---a lifetime of raising me and my brothers.  She then married Bill---sweet Bill--who was not always so sweet.  A man who was highly opinionated and sometimes difficult, I always kept my eyes upon the fact that he dearly loved my mother and took wonderful care of her.  Our blended family was not so well blended.  His children resented the fact their father remarried within a year of the sudden loss of their mother.  The step brother and sister were quite different from us---almost spoke a different language.  We had family dinners and the effort was made for a smooth transition into family--but it never happened in the ten + years before Bill left us.  If Bill had a thought-positive or negative-he blurted it out.  This caused hurt feelings and a word spoken aloud is a done deal---tough for some to forgive.  When my brothers would complain about Bill and his hard corners, I would remind them "Remember he is taking care of Momma and we are going to miss him someday when we take that job over again."  I proved correct in that statement.  Momma had been very happy with Bill and I know she never achieved that level of happiness again--further evidence of being created to be in relationship.

It is extremely complex to think of another relationship at this point in my life.  My children and grands have to be thought of--the complexity of drawing another into the circle of family.  The need to put your covenant partner in front of this precious legacy as God has ordained.  Further complication of blending this new partner's family into your circle of loved ones would give a run for the most complex organization chart ever created.  You cannot automatically expect everyone to "Like" everyone--as evidenced by my own experience.  Forcing the point could lead to estrangement due to bruised feelings.  This is NOT to say that it does not happen---I have seen examples that are marvels of love and acceptance.  Wonderful blended families who feel the same love for their steps as they do for the biological siblings.  There are  NO guarantees.  Did Momma's happiness outweigh the awkwardness created by his and her families?  ABSOLUTELY!  I only wish Bill would have lived longer so she could have continued her happiness for a few more years.  Complicated is such an inadequate word for the thought of all this.

Emotional baggage drug along into a new relationship makes my toes curl just to consider.  My trust issues---created by life's circumstances-would rear their ugly head with any innocent cue that reminded me of the past.  Is it fair to ask another to work with you as you strive to live beyond your past?  How would I feel faced with the similar task of helping to work through another's past life?  Am I a big enough person to put myself aside for the sake of another and what they have suffered?  Important questions--that I am not sure I have an answer for.  

One of my stock answers when someone tells me that I will love again is that "I don't have enough years left."  After the experience of knowing someone for a lifetime, you become keenly aware of how long it takes for a relationship to grow and mature. The superficiality of those first years--the honeymoon--pass quickly enough and then you get to the nitty gritty of maturing your relationship.  You begin to see the warts, quirks, wrinkles, idiosyncrasies that we all possess.  This is the point in time you really begin to learn how to love--selflessly--without the need to change the other--but with the acceptance by grace.  It takes a LONG time to grow a relationship into the full bloom of maturity.  It makes my heart sing to see a long term good relationship--which has endured the ravages of life and time.  Do I have enough years left to achieve that level of intimacy again? 

With all this said---among all the negatives---it is a blessing to have a life partner.  Someone to love and love me back seems to only be a dream.  Life can be lonely--surrounded as we are with others.  There is no substitute for a covenant partner who loves the Lord with all his heart.  If God has this in His plans for me, I will be bowled over, but I am seeking His will and the path He has laid out for me.  One thing I have definitely learned after eating the word every time I ever uttered it---NEVER SAY NEVER.  Who but God knows what the future holds---and with Him all complications are a gentle wave in the tide of life.  All things are possible---even the complicated! 

"37 For nothing is impossible with God."

Luke 1:37

ON A MORE INTIMATE LEVEL

This blog will discuss with explicit intimacy---please back out of the blog and do not read--if for any reason you might find it offensive.

The largest loss in my singleness--without a moment's hesitation is the loss of intimacy--emotional intimacy which is expressed in many ways--including sexually.  No one ever knows you at a deeper level than your spouse--you share it all--know each other's secrets--understand the level of emotion being experienced without a word said--can finish each other's sentences--have the same thoughts at the very same time.  This comes from the level of intimacy that only a husband and wife experience.  When your marriage begins to fall apart, so does that level of intimacy.

I miss someone putting their hand on my back to guide me, opening doors for me, reaching for my hand, holding me, touching me with a look from their eyes.  I miss hello and goodbye kisses and hugs I so desperately need at times.   I miss someone to snuggle up to when the nights are cold and the sheets are freezing.  I just miss the tenderness of the human touch.   No relationship here on this earth compares to marriage---God created us to be in partnership--to leave and cleave as The Book states.  God comes first, then your spouse, then your family---on down the line---but after God he expects us to put our top relational priority in our spouse. 

Here is the kicker---I like most of you--- am not dead---my blood still flows warmly--I still have desires and needs---but that is not part of my life anymore.  With that said, because of my relationship with The Father, when I put on the mantle of Christ all my past sins were forgiven and forgotten-but now that I am a new creation, I also am not free to casually seek intimacy.  Something tells me--intimacy without commitment as instructed in The Word--is not the same--frankly it is just sex. SO I live a life of celibacy---to honor my Creator by obeying His Word and to not give cause for any speculation of blemish on Christ's Perfect Name.  God specifically commands celibacy when we are not joined in Christian marriage many places in His Word--including I Thessalonians 4.  Once we proclaim Him as our Savior--then we are instructed to seek His will for our lives which is found in His Book--which is for our own best.  Any life outside His proclamations leads to call for question by unbelievers. We suffer the risk of being hypocritical.

Staying busy helps with this loss and I exercise to work off all that energy.  I once laughed and said "No matter what they did, I let my teens play ball to burn off their sexual energy."  Exhaustion helps me put my head down and sleep --the sleep of the weary.  I guess I too am burning off all my energy.

SO---God has me in a celibate life now---I miss intimacy--a great deal--but with time--the sorrow for that loss has gotten better. I am by NO means judging anyone else--I am telling you where I stand with what I know.   I spend a lot of time talking with God---for He knows me better than any spouse could ever pretend to.  He knows my thoughts--he knows my needs---and He is my provider.  He will never tempt me beyond my capability - with His help - of bearing the temptation.  My intimacy with Him is far deeper--far more satisfying than any earthly relationship.  He is my faithful lover.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

II Corinthians 5:17

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

I Corinthians 10:13

ANOTHER PAIR OF HANDS

On a more--down to earth level---
being single has made me aware of how much I miss
another pair of hands!

To Hold the Ladder

To Move the Couch

To Scratch My Back

To Give Me A Hand Up

To Hold Me Down

To Give Me A Hug

To Hold My Hand

I REALLY miss another pair of hands...

"For I, Jehovah thy God, will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee."

Isaiah 41:13

ARE YOU STILL MY FRIEND?

Why would someone in their right mind put a singles ad in a publication or join an on-line dating site?  Simple---loneliness.  Many singles quietly but desperately fight the demon of loneliness.  In today's world to be willing to put yourself out there in search of companionship with all the bad things that can happen is a symptom of the panic caused by the realization the remainder of your life may well be spent alone.

God has given me some wonderful friends---most of whom I left in R.  I am slowly making friends here in FW---mainly through church, but a few through the other venues.  Friendship comes with time---getting to know someone---talking--sharing--spending time together.  It is a slow process--but also a highly rewarding endeavor.  The best thing I can say about FB has been reconnecting with a lifetime of friends.  Some things never die---and only require a little fanning of the flame to get the fire going again---good friendships are like that.

I have noticed a difference in the manner that some friends treat me.  It is as if they do not quite know what to say to me or how to treat me.  I suppose part of my identity for most of my life was "wife of" and now that my identity has changed, some feel awkward when around me.  All of my really close friends have treated me as they always have--conversations are the same--we do the same things together---everything is the same.

There is some awkwardness at times with couple friends.  When you have spent many years socializing as a couple with other couples, it becomes awkward being a third wheel.  The invitations that once were issued to a couple are not always extended to a single.  Looking around me and observing--I do not think single men experience this.  I have a theory about that--but this blog is not about fairness in singleness.  Watching my single women friends, I see many who are staying at home--alone--and lonely.

What is the answer to this dilemma?  I propose to start a movement--Singles Social Society---the banning together of those who are alone.  Take the initiative to invite couples as well to join the singles socials. Life is filled with diversity---so our social circles should be a good reflection of that. Purposefully draw kindred souls together --and see what happens.  What have we to loose--except another weekend in front of the television, reading a book, or staring at this computer.  

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;"

Romans 12:10

TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS

One of my major adjustments, as a single, has been no one to bounce decisions, thoughts, ideas, plans off of.  I am on my own.  For my entire life, I had a parent or a partner to talk over those really big decisions in life.  I relied upon those listening ears and good advice.  Big things---like starting my own CPA practice, buying homes, buying cars, and on down the list to the small day to day things necessary to live---insurance decisions to the mundane--what cable package to buy---there was always someone to listen--no more.

I spent my entire professional career advising men to NOT "Take Care Of" their wives---but to include them in all the details of the business of running a home and allocating resources.  When meeting with the women, I commended them on their knowledge of their family's business and encouraged them to understand all aspects of the economics of life.  It was heart breaking to see a woman left alone who had been lovingly sheltered from all of this.  How many times did I have a grieving widow sit before me, who was doing good to put one foot in front of the other---and now the shell shock of being thrown into the management of all that it takes to keep a family running correctly.  These men, though their intentions were good, did their wives no favor.  How much easier would it have been for them to have a working knowledge and understanding of the family finances.

My struggle has centered around--HUGE--decisions concerning my future--that there has been no one to discuss them with.  Many times---I just need to speak the words out loud to another---to affirm I am headed to the correct decision.  There no longer is anyone to listen and thus I am left with a little doubt when turning corners.  There are some things that I can discuss with my children--and they have offered good advice, but there are business/investment related decisions that are not in their zone of expertise.

I also have always enjoyed great theological discussions.  Nothing can get me going like a heated debate on the five points of Calvinism (another day we will talk that over).  I deeply miss having another to challenge me to thinking while we are speaking of our God.  Before I moved, I had a sweet group I lunched with every Sunday after church.  They helped fill that gap for a time--all I had to say was "What did you think about today's message?" and we were off to the races.  Iron sharpens iron---miss having that whetting stone.

BOTTOM LINE---I am making these decisions---with apprehension at times--but using a lifetime of knowledge and wisdom based upon experience---I am moving forward.  I ask myself---if this goes wrong--what  is the worst thing that can happen?  If the worst case scenario is within the tolerable limits of loss---I proceed.  PRAYER---LOTS OF PRAYER---go into each decision---No decisions are made in haste---ALL are thoughtfully mulled over before any commitment is made.  THEN I make the leap of faith.  I am doing the best I can with careful consideration and ultimate trust that ALL things work for good!  It has not been easy--but I am just doing it!

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see ."

Hebrews 11:1

IS GOD GOOD?

True confession---I too have feet of clay----when I heard or read the statement "God is Good"----I would find myself questioning--cringing--wondering if the one who made the statement lives in LaLa Land.  SURELY if God was good, I would not be where I am today!  Would a Good God have me to live alone for the remainder of my days?  Is it good that I have been left to question what is wrong with me and readdress my short-comings yet again?  Is goodness seen in illness, death, suffering, abandonment, rejection, loss, and the rest of the list of pain inducing maladies?  Those very words-

God is Good

Good is God--have been a major stumbling block for me.  It has not been an easy step to reconcile the Goodness of God with the plight of many in this fallen world.  In Sunday's sermon, I was reminded that I am not the one to set the meter for what is good and what is not.  My qualifications for goodness are not those of God.  Once again, I have set myself upon the throne by dictating the definition of goodness and regarding His actions with disparaging leeriness.

Among God's attributes---or the qualities of His character which NEVER change--He consistently maintains each of those traits---in the beginning and in the end-through all that the world and man throws at us---is His goodness, and even when we know that God allows bad things to happen to us---He is Good.  My daily struggle--I have to begin again each and every morning--has been the acceptance of His goodness.  When others are proudly claiming His goodness in their answered prayers--their life accomplishments---their  prosperity---it has left me questioning---Why not me?  If I saw a consistent pattern of extolling God's goodness while in the midst of struggle-

-perhaps that would have made it easier to accept His goodness while looking at my life and the lives of many others in similar places--but only rarely do I see "My life is a mess, but God is good" boldly proclaimed.  Thus --I stumble. 

My daily reconcilement of God's goodness and life's messes has finally come through Trust---Trust based upon faith---faith based upon experience.  Through experience I have learned that  God has faithfully been present--even in the storms and disasters----through my faith that God always is here by my side---I have learned I can trust him---because I can trust Him---I know and believe that He is good---In all this mess---when times look bleak--in the losses---in the pain--in the suffering--I trust He is good---AND ALL is ultimately for His good purpose---

 

I do not question any of the other of God's attributes.  Each of these attributes he consistently reflects---and He is these attributes---they are Him--He NEVER changes and does not waver from Whom He is.  If I accept and believe God is what He claims and has shown us in the Scripture---then I must accept He is good.  In His goodness---He understands  my struggle---and loves me in the midst of my doubt---for after all--He IS GOOD!

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever."

Psalm 136:1

DON'T YOU TRUST ME?

I have become "Trust Challenged" in my singleness.  A huge wall is around my heart to protect it from pain and suffering.  I have explained to God---enough for one lifetime--no more pain--no more sorrow--and His response has been S I L E N C E---stark--cold--silence. 

"I cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer;

I stand up, but you merely look at me."

Job 30:20

Vowing to never be vulnerable again---promising myself to be on guard and have my defenses at constant ready, I cast a leery and skeptical eye toward emotional attachment beyond the most superficial.  Only lowering the drawbridge over the impenetrable moat filled with doubt and distrust for small children, sweet babies, and my dear sweet women friends.  A handful of men are allowed through the side door---mostly those of kin, and a few long time friends.  All others are treated with polite but distant arms length wariness.

 A sad state, perhaps--but--I am in survivor mode.  I am reading Strong Women with Soft Hearts and God is using it  to teach me.  He knows how I have suffered and He has made promises in His Word concerning those that are afflicted:

"But those who suffer, he delivers in their suffering;

he speaks to them in their affliction.

He is wooing you from the jaws of distress

to a spacious place free from restriction"

Job 36:15-16

His desire is for me to trust Him---with a heart open and vulnerable--to His plans for me.  He wants me to look to Him, acknowledge what He has done for me by faithfully loving me and remembering He will provide any balm needed.  To be vulnerable is voluntarily place myself in a situation that could bring pain, for the sake of a larger purpose.  Open to loving and seeking those He places in my path without regard for the potential of pain---to be used for His good purpose.  To remember His promise-

"My heart and my flesh may fail,

But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Psalm 73:26

Above all else, I should remember the vulnerability of Jesus--when He chose to live among us--knowing the pain and suffering he would endure.  Yet He loved us deeply enough that He endured it all with no immunity from the pain.  My skewed notion of strength becomes a puff of smoke in the wind when faced with the reality of a God who made himself know in His vulnerability--clinging neither to beauty nor honor nor power.  He became my beacon of trust in a fallen world filled with pain and sorrow.  Trust that in my openness to His plans--with the exposure of my heart to the possibility of pain--HE will be glorified.

All I have to do is trust Him--

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

YOU DON'T LIKE ME!!!!

OH--to be in upper elementary school and junior high again---those were the days--NOT!  The recess chatter would go something like this,  Supposed Friend #1-"NO ONE likes you!" ; Me---crestfallen  ; Bully #1--"What a dweeb!"; Me---shaking; Friend; #1--"Susie told the entire class you were ugly AND dumb"; Me---turning away;  Bully #1--"HA HA HA---truth hurts" ; Me--slinking away.  We learn at very young age to either be the concerned confidant, the bully, or the victim.  The words might not be sticks and stones--but they hurt!  We learn to either be the one spouting the words or the one affected by them--it  is a vicious game.

One of the first things I began to realize as a single, with a lot of time to think, is that I am not really sure who I am.  I have a basic idea---but also know I have spent my entire life trying to be the person someone else wanted me to be.  That is an impossible task---for the line continues to be inched upward and just about the time you think you have met the expectations---a whole new batch springs up.  In fairness--there has never been any verbal demands for who I should be---perhaps it was more my perception of what I was hearing and seeing that gave me the impression that I was coming up short.  I also now understand that I was a reflection of the personal disappointment of my loved ones in their own failures.  My not excelling was a reminder of their own short comings.  SO bottom line---do I like myself?

My sweet niece wrote a paper about my mother while in college and I recently reread it.  She spoke several times of how proud Momma was of all her children.  This caused me to stop and pause and wonder why I never felt I measured up to her expectations.  I came to the conclusion that what sears our hearts are not the many points of affirmation, but instead those times when words cut us to the quick.  For some reason, my mind and heart have chosen to store those in my soul---and therefore the feeling that I was always falling short.  As with any relationship in our life, we make the conscious decision of key times  we remember, and in all truth---this may be a skewed perception.

While having a conversation with a new friend here in FW recently, I stated that I was trying to figure out just who I was with no one now influencing me.  Not too long after I made the statement, it dawned on me that I should first decide who I am in the eyes of my Father.  The core of who we are --the very essence of our being--begins with the One whose image we are created in.  

What are the things that I do know?

      I know God loves me.
      I know that Jesus died a painful death so that I might live.
      I know because I have confessed and turned from my sin--that I am forgiven--and have the promise of eternity.
      I know that I am at peace with God since Jesus is my intercessor.
      I know that I am clothed in robes of righteousness because of Jesus.
      I know that I am a new creation following my acceptance of my Savior.
      I know that I am seated with Christ and have authority over the fallen world.

SO I came to this conclusion---Will I listen to the world whose expectations I will never meet?  Will I listen to Him--who looks at me through eyes of love and acceptance?  I choose to know who I am---I am His beloved daughter whom He loves so much that He sent His son to die for me so that I might enter His presence for all eternity.  He loves me so much--He provided the way out--I am grabbing on and knowing how precious I am in His sight.  Who am I?---A child of the one true king!

"But because of his great love for us,

God, who is rich in mercy,

made us alive in Christ even when we were dead in transgressions.

It is by grace you have been saved."

Ephesians 2:4-5

NEVER----REALLY ALONE--

SINGLE

When asked my martial status, I now respond with "Single".  There is a social system of hierarchy in our society and, unless you are in your 20's, the status of single seems to be in a caste that sometimes is cast in never-never land. My small group in R and here in FW is comprised of couples and singles---a good reflection of the world around us.  Here in FW---my small group also has the variety of ages--with college students to retirees and all ages between---I LOVE the variety of stages in life-a true and complete picture of the world around us.  This variety is not the status quo.---As I have looked around me--I see groups of like social status hanging together and not a lot of mixing of the castes.  There are times that this seems to be a natural outflow---young mothers with a nest full of chicks meet at the playground or gather for play groups; mothers with teens on teams congregate at games and practices; empty nesters pulling together to survive the college years and empty homes--it is a natural magnetic pull of shared experiences.  The "singles" --unless they are congregating at entertainment facilities (i.e.--bars) --are in an isolated environment with sometimes little opportunity for interaction.  My next few blogs will address being "Single" at 65--the ups/downs---survival techniques---a glimpse into the day to day of being alone and figuring out how to live "Singleness".

It just occurred to you that you have no interest in this direction of my blogging since you are not alone!  Consider this-- -at some point in time--you will be alone---or you will not be here--but have gone on.  We ALL --if we are the survivor--will face being alone at some point in time.  Pull your head out of the sand--face the facts---not wishing it on anyone---BUT we are all headed in that direction---sooner or later.  A little advance glimpse of the road ahead never hurt anyone--AND perhaps will give you insight into what lies ahead and a little more understanding of your friends who are single.  I am NOT "Debbie Downer", but I am a realist----"It IS what it IS."  There is NO reason you cannot make the most of what it is!

Life as a single as been a stark eye opener into a world that I truly did not understand before.  I get it now.  When I think about the fact that my mother was alone for 30 years of her adult life, with only a few of those years including raising children, I am amazed that she did as  well as she did--and yet it still was a very isolated and lonely existence.  Hopefully I will learn from her life, and be more intentional in fighting the aloneness.

HERE is the REALLY GOOD NEWS---the Bible has MANY singles in it---CHECK IT OUT!  He not only approves of the status---when we seek to live according to His word---BUT THE BEST NEWS---He can use you in a MIGHTY way to give Him good glory--whatever your status.  Be encouraged and of good cheer---and open to His perfect plan for you--whatever your status.

God intended us to live in community.  Check out the New Testament church--we do best in fellowship with others.  The challenge has been figuring out just how to live life as God intended, and remaining faithful to His mandates for living life well.   The next few posts will address what I have learned and my insight into "Solitary Life".

"They devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.  Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles.  All the believers were together, and had everything in common."

Acts 2: 42-44