Tuesday, January 29, 2013

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW!

JUST IN CASE-you didn't know---MEN invent all the medical machinery used for women!  IF a woman had invented them---they would be MUCH more sensitive to the pain endured.  IF a man had to have his most sensitive area tested, there would NEVER be ANY pain or discomfort involved!

SO--I went today for a little testing.  A WHOLE NEW EXPERIENCE---NOT all good!  In the past, I have had a couple of biopsies done---not a bad experience at all.  Someone comes in and puts you to sleep and the next thing you know---WAA LAA---it's a done deal.  A little soreness afterward--but no mental trauma involved.

WELL---it seems my doctor---A MAN---thinks I should have this less invasive test done----SO much better for you.  He OBVIOUSLY has never done anything like this to his parts!  SO anyway----you lay on your belly on a HARD FLAT table with a hole cut out of the middle of it--for obvious reasons.  They crank the table up---not unlike a hydraulic lift at the service station---BUT they DO NOT change your oil or rotate your tires!

They spend what seems like hours lining everything up just so--taking image after image ALL WHILE you are in a vise grip set to squeeze hard.  They finally get everything perfect and tell you whatever you do ---DON'T MOVE!  Great!  AND you don't move for what seems like hours!

Then they start the numbing.  SUCH FUN---Their words "It will sting a little"  YEAH RIGHT!  They do this for not one---but 3 layers--going deeper each time.   NOW---those that know me well---KNOW- I don't have a lot of real estate and there was NO need to deaden THAT deep!  

THEN they turn on the roto rooter---SUCH FUN!   What real estate there was has now been severely decreased!  I kept hearing---3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock.  They left the room--the came back--and then I hear 4 o'clock,7 o'clock, 10 o'clock, 1 o'clock.  They left the room and THEN they come back for 2 o'clock and 8 o'clock.   WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST TAKE THE WHOLE CLOCK TO START WITH.  Oh--by the way--did I tell you the roto rooter is a hollow core needle?  Then they put a titanium marker in so they will know where they drilled!  If you find no oil at this spot, you try another next time.  YEAH, THEY ARE GOING TO GET ANOTHER CHANCE!

FINALLY---your done--THEN to add insult to injury---they put you back in the HARD squeeze to stop the bleeding.  HOW KIND!  Ice and bandaging and sit and wait.  She finally comes back in the room and says---we just need to do a couple more "squeeze pictures"--you women KNOW what I am talking about.  THANK THE GOOD LORD FOR DEADENING!

As I said---SOME MAN--came up with this form of torture!!!  SUCH a FUN Tuesday!  

OH --BY THE WAY---if you happen to see me out and about---I am NOT lop sided---and I have NOT grown---it's swollen!

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