Everywhere I have turned lately--I am hearing about the Israelites and their 40 years of meandering around the wilderness.  It has lead to a great soul searching.  I told our Small Group tonight---I seem to need to go to the cave-and spend some time alone with God.  I have sat on the back row far too long---and it is time to go down with "The BIG OBEY".  Time to quit mumbling, grumbling, murmuring, complaining, doubting and living in fear. I need to believe the truth of God's Word over my circumstances.

As I have searched my soul---it has brought to the surface---Why do I write?  Is it for His good purpose--as I profess---or is it self seeking---self serving--quest for desperately sought after affirmation?  I confess---there is a deep hole in my soul which is craving approval.  It is a black hole--that is never sated--and always hungry.  Starving for a good word--a nod--any form of approval.  It does not matter why it is there---it does matter that I do not allow God's approval to be enough.  It sickens me and I am disgusted with my shallowness.

I am like those desert wanders, I am living in "Deliverance instead of freedom".  Why would I choose to live in the wilderness when I could be living free?  Time to put aside the fear of tomorrow and live in the reality of today---God's reality.  Exactly like those sojourners of long ago, "I came out of Egypt, but Egypt is still in me."  

I am allowing a moment to define every other moment in my life.  Have I left behind the comfort of victim hood---or am I allowing it to affect everything around me?  Am I frozen in the moment--or am I moving forward.  I really had thought I had moved on--but in the dark recesses of my heart---that moment has shaped who I have become.  A dark cloud of cynicism and distrust hangs heavily over me---and it is time to blow that cloud away.

I am built to run the good race.  Never the fastest--but built to run and run long---endurance is my gift.  Gifted as we all are with precious gifts to be used for His good purpose.  It is time to trust---believe---know---Who is faithful---Who will supply my every need---Who will be by my side.  TRUST HIM----REALLY REALLY TRUST HIM!  Know His approval of me---how He loves me---how proud He is of me--His daughter. I need to get off the throne and down on my knees in obedience.  Stopping---in His presence--waiting for His Word--and following His lead---in obedience--in trust--in love. And when I write---write for Him and His Good Glory--being content with His nod of approval.


"Now if you will obey me and keep my covenant, you will be my own special treasure from among all the nations of the earth; for all the earth belongs to me"
Exodus 19:5 

1 comment

  1. Yes!!! YES!! I know exactly what you are talking about. Thank you for the beautiful reminder!!


Your comments keep my writing and often cause me to think. A written form of a hug or a pat on the back and an occasional slap into reality---I treasure them all!