As I have searched my soul---it has brought to the surface---Why do I write? Is it for His good purpose--as I profess---or is it self seeking---self serving--quest for desperately sought after affirmation? I confess---there is a deep hole in my soul which is craving approval. It is a black hole--that is never sated--and always hungry. Starving for a good word--a nod--any form of approval. It does not matter why it is there---it does matter that I do not allow God's approval to be enough. It sickens me and I am disgusted with my shallowness.
I am like those desert wanders, I am living in "Deliverance instead of freedom". Why would I choose to live in the wilderness when I could be living free? Time to put aside the fear of tomorrow and live in the reality of today---God's reality. Exactly like those sojourners of long ago, "I came out of Egypt, but Egypt is still in me."
I am allowing a moment to define every other moment in my life. Have I left behind the comfort of victim hood---or am I allowing it to affect everything around me? Am I frozen in the moment--or am I moving forward. I really had thought I had moved on--but in the dark recesses of my heart---that moment has shaped who I have become. A dark cloud of cynicism and distrust hangs heavily over me---and it is time to blow that cloud away.
I am built to run the good race. Never the fastest--but built to run and run long---endurance is my gift. Gifted as we all are with precious gifts to be used for His good purpose. It is time to trust---believe---know---Who is faithful---Who will supply my every need---Who will be by my side. TRUST HIM----REALLY REALLY TRUST HIM! Know His approval of me---how He loves me---how proud He is of me--His daughter. I need to get off the throne and down on my knees in obedience. Stopping---in His presence--waiting for His Word--and following His lead---in obedience--in trust--in love. And when I write---write for Him and His Good Glory--being content with His nod of approval.
AND THEN---AND ONLY THEN---THERE WILL BE JOY!
"Now if you will obey me and keep my covenant, you will be my own special treasure from among all the nations of the earth; for all the earth belongs to me"