I had an online discussion recently concerning being alone. There were quite a few comments and lots of back and forth and suggestions. The end result was no magic bullet on how to adjust to being by yourself. No matter what you try--when you finally cross that thresh hold in the evening---the house is empty. I have spent hours thinking this over--all to no avail---there seems to be no good answer. God created us to be in relationships and when you have spent most of your life in one form or another of being more than one---there is a void in your life when finally it is only you.
Last night, I dreamed in vivid detail about my mother's final illness and the months leading up to her passing . It was a replay--almost blow by blow of every minute, hospital stay, nursing home admittance---the complete story. I woke up immediately knowing what God was saying.
Momma's last four months with us began with what should have been a simple gall bladder removal. I was leaving the next day for my first marathon after running every inch of the training schedule. I was bitterly disappointed, but knew I should not leave. It was not a simple surgery and she ended up in ICU. I knew in my heart---not to leave and resisted the urging around me and stayed. Thank God I did. She was in really bad shape.
Night came and I once again resisted the urges to go home. When I asked her nurse what she thought, she looked at me and said, "If it were my mother I would not leave." So I stayed in a recliner all night in the ICU waiting room, praying and waiting. You do not know how slow time can go until you sit with someone in the hospital. The next two weeks were in two different ICU's before finally getting to a private room and then the rehab hospital. The next four months are a blur of hospital stays, sitters, consultations, and daily nursing home visits--sometimes two or three in a day and I felt so alone so many times. How I cried out to God and prayed for relief from her suffering.
Fast forward to today--almost 15 years later--why would God replay all this in a dream? He reminded me---when I sat alone in that waiting room hour after hour---when I stood in that hall alone day after day---when I sat by Momma's bed month after month---I KNEW beyond any doubt--HE WAS WITH ME! His presence was a tangible force in every way.
Though I have been a Believer a LONG time--this was the beginning of having a relationship with God. I knew the Bible, went to church, worked with the youth, lead small group, sang in the choir--did it all---and yet there was something missing. It took loosing Momma to begin to understand Who God is and how much He loves me. In the midst of my aloneness---He was faithfully present. It served to lead the way in the days yet to come --in the midst of the worst--He is with me. I thank God for His reminder--that in my aloneness today---HE is faithfully by my side.
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.