THAT ONE STRAW

 Have you ever filled a wheel barrow until it was at the tipping point?  I always keep going--thinking one more shovel full will not matter.  AND THEN---there comes the point when with another grain of dirt placed in an overloaded spot--tips the entire load over.  GROAN!      I cannot tell you how many times I have pushed the limits and ended up with a huge mess--and not just with dirt.  We have all been warned of the dire risk of toddlers tipping over cabinets which are not anchored--sometimes with tragic consequences.  I am guilty of standing on ladders and leaning---thinking I've got this---to only end up on the ground (NO MORE LADDERS ABOVE 4 STEPS THESE DAYS).  The fundamental truths of physics come into play.  We are at risk of disaster, if we push the limits.

Recently, I found myself crying over something which should not have caused me to even blink an eye.  I must say it caught me unawares--and wondering, 'WHAT IN THE WORLD?"  After thinking it over, I concluded all the stress I have recently been under has me near the boiling over point.  One of two things happens when I allow this to happen without occasionally blowing off some steam---I cry or I bite someone's head off.  That someone is usually an innocent who was not aware of the treacherous ground they were stepping on when they approached me.  ONE MORE STRAW will have me erupting --blowing a gasket--becoming a screaming banshee ---and bless your heart if you happen to be standing in my path.  I am not proud of this behavior.  Part of the problem is being taught to NOT show emotion--stay calm--with a smile on your face-ALWAYS THE LADY.  Meanwhile I am grinding my teeth, clinching my jaw and in a tight wad of inflamed nerves.  I am on the ragged edge--tethering---ripe for an eruption.  

WHAT can I do to prevent injury to those I love and the innocent bystander who happens to walk into my path?  Exercise has always been my go to---and while with all the moving I feel like I am getting exercise--it is not the same.  Hero is having serious back problems and we are only able to walk very short distances.  In my world of busy---I am not taking the time to get my daily exercise.  It truly helps to blow off steam--but when neglected--I am going to go over the edge--when that last straw tips me into a fit of dismay.  So I know the cause---I know how I got there--what keeps me from doing something about it?  My sense of panic when all things are not taken care of.  I neglect my needs---to take care of some seemingly emergency task.  I get to the point where I am not doing anything well--and spinning my wheels in frustration.  Someone makes some innocent remark and that final straw has me spiraling down into a red hot lava field of anger or a bog of self pity.  NOT PROUD OF MYSELF!

SO where am I going?  As I prayed last night in the quiet and dark of the evening, it occurred to me my prayers have become one sided conversations about what is wrong in the world.  I have let my attitude of gratitude become overshadowed by all that I am facing.  I had to be honest with God and tell Him I was not proud of my actions toward Him or others.  Instead of having an honest conversation with God about where I am,  I am on automatic repeat.  I pray for those on my list, I pray for my family and friends, and I pray for forgiveness---without much emotion.  What I need is a heart to heart.  A recent post was about the art of listening.  The best listener beyond compare--is God.  And yet I treat Him as another needed task in my day--not as my Beloved Father---Faithfull God---Consistent Provider---the Anchor who has my best interest at heart.  When my plow is loaded---I forget to look to The One who will carry my burdens.  He will lighten my load, and provide me with the strength to complete the task.  God and God alone---is my Stronghold--He will take my load--He will be my anchor.  if I am willing to give it to Him.

"We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul,

a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain,

where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf,

having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek."

Hebrews 6:19-20