I am struggling with a recurrence of what seems to be chronic grief. The tidal waves of loss roll over me at times without warning and at other times triggered by an unexpected event. Thinking about my sweet friends who have lost children- those who have lost spouses and siblings-those who live with disabled children who will always need care-those with severe and debilitating illness-anyone who faces a life which has taken a turn they never thought possible--and understanding now how uniquely and unpredictably each of us walk this path of grief, I wonder if I will ever cross the bridge into peace.
"Just get over it"---OH I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT! You do not have to tell me to "Get Over It!"---I have told myself that more times than I care to count. This is NOT a choice--my choice would be erasing the pain--tucking away the memories behind a closed door and moving forward. It sounds so simple! I have not found the door much less the key as much as I would like to. If I only had a switch to turn my thoughts off!
"Work through the stages and find release." What I have learned is many of the stages have to be relived over and over. With each trigger, I have to review what has been dredged over the coals so many times it should be ashes and dust. Perhaps the psychologist who came up with the five stages of grief forgot the multiplying factor of numerous trips down the list. If ONLY it were so easy! I will march down this list and be done with it--I SO WISH!
"Pray"---OH THAT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME! I wonder if God grows weary of the same prayer over and over. Does he ever tire of my "OH, GOD," ? I know the scripture--claim the promises--understand Who He is--and am thankful for His faithful presence. Why then do I feel at times as if I am returning to Square One? My constant prayer is for this to be used for His Good Glory.
"Get Busy"--I promise you--I stay busy! With four young grands here in town and volunteering--and writing--and gardening--and all the other busyness--I am not idle. You cannot fill every minute of every hour of the day---and then there are the nights I cannot fall asleep--wake up at 2 in the morning--with the same thoughts rolling around in my head. It is not my desire to spend sleepless nights trying to make sense of the senseless.
"Just Move On"---I do not have my running shoes on---I have my roller skates on. SO ready to move on---It is not from lack of trying, I assure you. I got my passport, bought the ticket, packed my bag, and started the car. For some strange reason I cannot get it out of neutral and the scenery here in the rut of grief can be tiring and dismissal.
So I leave you with this---for all of us-who are grieving-this is NOT a cesspool of self-pity that we enjoy wallowing in endlessly. The fall into the quicksand of despair is not our life's ambition. YES--we are living--yes we know we are blessed--and YES WE WANT TO MOVE ON. It is not as simple as it might sound. I pray you never have to understand where I am coming from.
Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.