THE INTERSECTION OF DESPERATION & HOPE

Everywhere I have turned lately--I am hearing about the Israelites and their 40 years of meandering around the wilderness.  It has lead to a great soul searching.  I told our Small Group tonight---I seem to need to go to the cave-and spend some time alone with God.  I have sat on the back row far too long---and it is time to go down with "The BIG OBEY".  Time to quit mumbling, grumbling, murmuring, complaining, doubting and living in fear. I need to believe the truth of God's Word over my circumstances.

As I have searched my soul---it has brought to the surface---Why do I write?  Is it for His good purpose--as I profess---or is it self seeking---self serving--quest for desperately sought after affirmation?  I confess---there is a deep hole in my soul which is craving approval.  It is a black hole--that is never sated--and always hungry.  Starving for a good word--a nod--any form of approval.  It does not matter why it is there---it does matter that I do not allow God's approval to be enough.  It sickens me and I am disgusted with my shallowness.

I am like those desert wanders, I am living in "Deliverance instead of freedom".  Why would I choose to live in the wilderness when I could be living free?  Time to put aside the fear of tomorrow and live in the reality of today---God's reality.  Exactly like those sojourners of long ago, "I came out of Egypt, but Egypt is still in me."  

I am allowing a moment to define every other moment in my life.  Have I left behind the comfort of victim hood---or am I allowing it to affect everything around me?  Am I frozen in the moment--or am I moving forward.  I really had thought I had moved on--but in the dark recesses of my heart---that moment has shaped who I have become.  A dark cloud of cynicism and distrust hangs heavily over me---and it is time to blow that cloud away.

I am built to run the good race.  Never the fastest--but built to run and run long---endurance is my gift.  Gifted as we all are with precious gifts to be used for His good purpose.  It is time to trust---believe---know---Who is faithful---Who will supply my every need---Who will be by my side.  TRUST HIM----REALLY REALLY TRUST HIM!  Know His approval of me---how He loves me---how proud He is of me--His daughter. I need to get off the throne and down on my knees in obedience.  Stopping---in His presence--waiting for His Word--and following His lead---in obedience--in trust--in love. And when I write---write for Him and His Good Glory--being content with His nod of approval.

AND THEN---AND ONLY THEN---THERE WILL BE JOY!

"Now if you will obey me and keep my covenant, you will be my own special treasure from among all the nations of the earth; for all the earth belongs to me"

Exodus 19:5